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Forgiving Clears way for Healing

Pamela Miller; Staff Writer - StarTribune

Angela Mathison and Sari Evanston first crossed paths in the worst possible way.

On Dec. 4, 2004, Mathison, then 33, her husband, Brent, 37, and their 10-week-old daughter, Annika, were traveling north on Hwy. 169 in Sherburne County to their home in Elk River when a yellow car barreled across the median and hit their pickup head-on.

"I remember seeing this flash of yellow, and Brent reaching out to put his hand in front of me," Angela Mathison said.

There was the terrible sound of metal meeting metal at high speed, of crunching and shattering, then silence. And then sirens.

Brent slumped in the driver's seat, dead. Angela's knees and legs were shattered and punctured, her face burned by friction from the air bag. Annika, their only child, had severe head injuries despite being secured carefully in the rear seat.

In the yellow car, Sari Evanston, then 17, lay in shock, bones in her feet and ankles broken, ligaments torn.
But the pain of her injuries was nothing compared with that in her heart. The crash was her fault. She had been going 78 miles per hour in a 65-mph zone. She doesn't remember why.

A season in shock

Mourning and recuperation eclipsed that Christmas. Mathison's injuries kept her from her work as a nurse at Hennepin County Medical Center in Minneapolis for almost a year. Her wrongful-death claim against Evanston was settled out of court through insurance policies. Evanston also was charged with careless driving.
About a month after the accident, Evanston called Mathison. "I felt terrible about what had happened," she said. "I wanted to do whatever I could to make things a little better."

But Mathison wasn't ready. "I just couldn't talk to her," she said. "I handed the phone to my mother."
As winter turned to spring, spring to summer, Mathison thought a lot about Evanston. She thought about how young she was, and about how anguished.

"Whatever anger I might have had was going away," Mathison said. "We'd already lost one person, and I realized Sari's life was marred, too."

Mathison asked that the teen be given community service, "partly for her own sake."

And she started to think about forgiveness. "But I needed to see how she would plead first, to hear her say she was sorry," Mathison said. "I'd gotten the facts from the State Patrol, and knew she hadn't been drinking, hadn't been doing drugs, and I knew she felt bad. But everyone told me, `She'll plead not guilty. You'll see.'-"
In August 2005, Mathison and Evanston finally met - in Sherburne County Court. Evanston pleaded guilty to careless driving. "There was never any question of that," she said. "I was guilty. Simple as that."

For Mathison, "that was the turning point. She came with no lawyer, and pleaded guilty. She took responsibility. I can't say I would have done that at 18."

After the plea, Mathison and Evanston sat down to talk. "It was hard," Mathison said.

"Very hard," Evanston echoed quietly during a recent joint interview.

"I asked what she remembered about the accident," Mathison said. "And I told her I felt bad for her, and I didn't want her life ruined because of what had happened. And I told her I forgave her."

In October, Evanston received her sentence: Talk to teenagers about safe driving.

By then, she and Mathison were speaking on the phone and occasionally getting together. Evanston's family came to Mathison's house, "even though it must have been so hard for them all - Brent's picture is everywhere," Mathison said. When winter snows arrived, Evanston's father drove the 9 miles from their home in Zimmerman to do Mathison's shoveling.

For Evanston, the most emotional moment of all was meeting Annika, who is still recovering from her injuries. The little girl has done remarkably well, but is being watched closely for signs of developmental delays, her mother said.

"She took to Sari," Mathison said, smiling at Evanston, whose face shone. "She's adorable," the teenager said.
Evanston confided in Mathison about the mixed reactions to her community service talks, about how some teenagers listen to her story intently, with shocked and serious faces, and some don't, whispering and giggling.
In hopes of providing a double caution to young drivers, the two decided that Mathison will join Evanston for the speaking engagements next school year. "I also hope it will let them see the power of forgiveness," Mathison said.

The blessings go both ways

Forgiving Evanston has helped Mathison's healing, too.

"I have a huge belief in forgiveness," she said, partly because of her Christian faith that "God forgives us all" and partly, she said, because "it's what Brent would have wanted."

"There's something incredibly freeing about forgiveness," said Mathison, who attends Word of Peace Lutheran Church in Rogers. "In some ways, it's harder for Sari than for me, because she has to deal with guilt. It's so much easier to forgive someone else than to forgive yourself, and it was something good I could do for her, for me, and for Annika as she grows up."

For Evanston, Mathison's forgiveness and friendship have been blessings beyond measure. "I'm so grateful she is the person she is," she said. "She has amazed me. I had prepared myself for the worst experience, and it has been just the opposite."

Jeff Sieben of the Minneapolis law firm Sieben Grose Von Holtum & Carey, who helped process the wrongful-death case, said that he rarely sees communication, much less forgiveness, between opposing parties in legal actions after accidents.

"Most people never want to speak to the person who has caused them such pain," he said. "These are some very strong women."

Pamela Miller - 612-673-4290

HELP FOR FAMILIES

Angela Mathison's experiences as a young widow have led her to become an advocate for families who have lost their primary wage-earner through sudden death. She's starting a nonprofit, the Brent Mathison Foundation, which will team up with an established nonprofit, the Segue Foundation , to help bereaved families find information and services. For more information, call 763-412-5156 or see www.theseguefoundation.com .

COPYRIGHT 2006 Star Tribune Co. This material is published under license from the publisher through the Gale Group, Farmington Hills, Michigan.  All inquiries regarding rights should be directed to the Gale Group. For permission to reuse this article, contact Copyright Clearance Center.